Gratitude

My savior.
My father.
My friend.
I come to you on bended knee.
Not to ask you for anything in particular, but to express my gratitude unto your holy ears.

Thank you for wiping me clean of all my pain,
 My heartache and headache all the same.

Thank you  for seeing me as I will be instead of how I am.
Thank you for putting the song back in my heart.
Thank you for putting the dance back in my stride.

Thank you for being  the blanket when i was tired and worn.
The shoulder to lean my cheek against while I cried.

From listening to Tramine Hawkins every morning while my grandmother made biscuits in the break of dawn as a child, i knew you were that one friend who would never forsake me.

My sins run deep and thick.
Even the sharpest knife couldn't cut through them.
Out of all the times i called on your name and bared my soul, you never left my side and I thank you.

You walked out in front of me on my grieving journey, protecting me all along.

Thank you for being my beautiful release leaving me free and weightless.

They say grief may come at night, but joy will come in the morning.
Thank you for being my ray of sunshine.

Dear Lord, i come to you right now,
Not asking you for anything in particular,
But I call on your name today to simply say thank you.

A Piece of Heaven

Six months of rubbing my stomach, 

Feeling her kick.

Gaining a bound with the tiny human inside of me. 

I set out to bring a life into this world.

But I came home with no baby. 

God received a new angel that day. 

With her beautiful brown, baby soft skin and tiny brown eyes.

As they took her out of my arms, I saw her gracefully flutter up to the sky that day. Like a precious, innocent butterfly. 

I couldn't help but cry...

At the thought of no baby in the pink nursery next door. 

No midnight feedings and no cries at the break of dawn.

I feel like......

I feel....

I don't feel nothing. 

I don't know exactly how to feel.

I would sit down and cry hours upon hours.

Imagining her entire hand wrapped around my one finger. I even imagined what the sound of her cry would have sounded like. 

Why did God plan for me to suffer and bend over in pain like this? 

Long walks and awkward silences  filled my life since that day. 

I'm not my happy, positive self that I once was. 

Im broken. 

People reassure me that it could be worse.

But I know for sure that I'm living in the land of "worse" with walls painted black and the blood of my soul upon the floor. 

My heart is hurt.

My spirit is in distress. 

But God received an angel that day. 

God.....

I've cried out upon that name so many times.

I even wrote Him a couple of letters allowing my emotions to navigate my pen.

But He never seems to have the time to answer my questions. 

Stop my tears and silence my weeps. 

When He called her to the other side, He took more than half of me. 

So now I'm here. 

With my formless tears and undeniable fears all wrapped up in a blanket snuggling against my chest. 

Occasionally pinching myself..

Hoping its all just a dream.

But the more people send their condolences and red roses with  "Keeping you in my prayers" messages the reality sinks in. 

It eases the pain just a little to look at it like She didn't belong on Earth. 

She was much too pure for this sinful world.

So she was called by the Almighty. 

God received an angel that day.  

He pried my hands open and lifted her out of my motherly grasp. 

As if my pain didn't matter.

I had no right.

I pray that God gives me His eyes

And Hopefully one day I'll see the light. 

The reason for my misery.

And understand my struggles

In its entirety. 

Me and You.

Us.

Our relationship is gone.

Killed in a burning pit full of he said she said, insecurities, indirect words and emotions bottled inside.

 We were both nearly the death of one another.

With each argument we damn near killed each other 

with our razor sharp tongues and not a care to give. 

Our hearts turned cold and our souls painted black. 

 We loved each other.

More than we both could ever know. 

But the relationship was like poison.

It had us crippled over.

Crying with no one reason.

Emotional and chaotic.

But Because of the toughness of our skin we both refused to let it show.

One minute it was you and me.

The next it was you against me.

Sword and shield in hand we fought until one of us fell to the ground. 

Sooner after,

 one of us grabbed the other and held on tight. 

As if the wound wasn't still there.

Brushing over conversations that should have been thoroughly discussed. 

The same as placing a band-aid on a gun shot wound. 

   

No trust. 

No understanding.

No communication.

We both knew that "we" wouldn't last,

But forced ourselves to keep trying regardless.

In hopes of a miracle.

The return of the bond we had the week before last.

Abused  feelings.

Restless minds.

Fast paced heart beats.

Short tempers.

The emphasized sensitivity of a battered heart. 

These are the things that took one word, "us", and divided into two.

Me and you.

The way we distanced ourself at first put a strain on the emotional attachment we had to one another.

But as the days go by....

The more  it feels right to have said Goodbye.

The poison we fed each other... 

The stress we caused one another disappeared.

Joy returned. 

Only this time you and I  weren't present in the lives of the other. 

We tried to hang in there and be tough.

But the word "us" was just way too rough.

And Still I Love You

You've molded me into the person I am today.
I cry continuously in the sake of your name.
Your negativity attempted to change who I was becoming
But I fought it every step of the way.
And still I love you.

The words that fall from your mouth
Pierced my heart like daggers
The voice of a mother is one that should build you up
But yours only tore me down.
I was hurt.
I was wounded.
I fell to the ground.
And still I love you.

You taught me to never let my emotions show.
To never let my tears leak.
But I've decided to allow my wounds to make me wise instead of weak.
And for that I thank you.

Many times I've asked myself....
What is it that I search for?
I have come to the realization that I search for a mother.
A mother who gives me warm hugs and sweet kisses.
A mother who lends a shoulder when my tears fall.
A mother who grants long time wishes.
You've never been that for me....
And still I love you.

I'm determined to make this relationship work.
But if we just so happen to fail...
If victory runs the other way...
If this battle we do not win.....
I promise to collect myself and try to achieve again.

I've decided to make a change.
To discuss the painful past
But work towards a peaceful future.

I hope for only better days
I dont ask for much...
Except the one thing I never got: A mothers touch.
And still i love you.

Twist & Turns

My tears were meant to fall.
They were meant to be free.
But my pride holds my mind captive
And makes me feel as though freedom equals the end of me.
A lot of times I feel low.
So low that you would think that up is the only direction to go.
But somehow i manage to get lost in the twists and turns.

I try so hard to search for "good"
But "bad" seems to always find me first.
People say "keep your faith"
But no matter how hard I try to keep my faith....
It's like my faith just wont keep me.

No matter how hard I try to see the forest....
There's always this one damn tree.
That'll blocked my view for what seems like an eternity.

A wise person once told me
"You have to go through darkness to get to the light"
But i've been in the dark for so long,
Im convinced that there is no light.
But only a mere prisoner of our imagination.
A vessel of pure hope.

They say its not how you fall,
But how you get up.
But what if I'm too weak to get up?
I never stand completely on my feet it seems....
I scrape and struggle only to make it to just my knees.
 Just for the chance to cry out a soundless cry,
 yell out a silent please.
You can see the many times i've fallen just by counting the scars on my knees.

Im tired of climbing mountains just to lose the battles at the top.
But then again.......
What is life without obstacles?
Life itself is just one big lesson awaiting to be learned.
And the best lessons lay in between the twists and turns. ❤

In Memory Of......

Ain't y'all tired of saying RIP?
Or is it only me?
It's gotten to where I'm scared to wake up in the mornings.
As if I didn't already know what to expect.
Of course,
The loss of yet another soul.
The screaming mothers and weeping baby momma's
The sight of a soul-less body with twelve gun shot wounds makes me quiver.
The pain and suffering of life itself etched on his face.
His hand places upon his chest.
Guarding the heart that cost him his life.
It's sad..... The fact that i actually expect this sight.

I'm tired of going to church in the middle of the week just to sit in red pews
Dressed in all black.
Watching everybody within the church's walls reminisce on the memories of the happy times  of their loved ones.
Making them out to be saints.
Knowing damn well they're closer to an aint.
But you know,
No one dares to speak on that.
Keeping the skeletons locked in the closet because we're in the house of the Lord.
As if He can't see through the wooden door.

I'm tired of hearing the pastor preach the same sermon
About how yet another life was taken too soon.
Putting the same amount of money into the same golden collection plates.

I'm tired of hearing the choir sing the same sad ass songs about how he/she has gone on to a better place.
As if they knew the plans God had in store for the people that once were.
Sick of seeing a person...
Who last week,
Walked joyfully down the street,
Be placed six feet under.

Hope for better days mixed in with the residue of fear
I know that the only way I will no longer see the letters "R.I.P"
Is if they're printed above a picture of me.

"Friend"

We sometimes come across friends with different intentions.

A different motive.

It would be conducive to our hearts if we were able to place a friend up to the light,

Like money,

And see clearly which ones were fake and which ones were real.

You have to watch out for certain "friends" 

You know, the ones that cry in your name...

But their tears take no form.

The ones that smile in your face,

But place daggers in your back.

Those same friends that you pledge your loyalty to,

Will be the same friends to laugh hysterically at your pain. 

Where are the people who honestly know what friendship is all about?

The people who will jump in front of a bullet for you.

Who would take time out of their day

Just to come see about you

Back in the day,

Loyalty, respect, and honesty was everything.

Now, you rarely see any of the three.

Everyone is so wrapped up in their own drama, sorrows, and insecurities. 

Evil wears the face of the innocent.

Luring you into a world of false friendship. 

The same people that watched you build yourself up.

All of the blood, sweat, and tears

Will be the same people who will single-handedly try to tear you down. 

Aiming to leave you wilted and deserted. 

In a world like this... 

Its not easy to find a good person with an ear to listen,

A mouth to advise,

Or a heart to truly care. 

Subtracting the frauds from the liars

The thieves from the crazies.

Finding a person who honestly has your best interest at heart is getting harder and harder by the day. 

If only people were like money. 

So we could hold them up to the light,

To see who was real and who was fake.