And Still I Love You

You've molded me into the person I am today.
I cry continuously in the sake of your name.
Your negativity attempted to change who I was becoming
But I fought it every step of the way.
And still I love you.

The words that fall from your mouth
Pierced my heart like daggers
The voice of a mother is one that should build you up
But yours only tore me down.
I was hurt.
I was wounded.
I fell to the ground.
And still I love you.

You taught me to never let my emotions show.
To never let my tears leak.
But I've decided to allow my wounds to make me wise instead of weak.
And for that I thank you.

Many times I've asked myself....
What is it that I search for?
I have come to the realization that I search for a mother.
A mother who gives me warm hugs and sweet kisses.
A mother who lends a shoulder when my tears fall.
A mother who grants long time wishes.
You've never been that for me....
And still I love you.

I'm determined to make this relationship work.
But if we just so happen to fail...
If victory runs the other way...
If this battle we do not win.....
I promise to collect myself and try to achieve again.

I've decided to make a change.
To discuss the painful past
But work towards a peaceful future.

I hope for only better days
I dont ask for much...
Except the one thing I never got: A mothers touch.
And still i love you.

Twist & Turns

My tears were meant to fall.
They were meant to be free.
But my pride holds my mind captive
And makes me feel as though freedom equals the end of me.
A lot of times I feel low.
So low that you would think that up is the only direction to go.
But somehow i manage to get lost in the twists and turns.

I try so hard to search for "good"
But "bad" seems to always find me first.
People say "keep your faith"
But no matter how hard I try to keep my faith....
It's like my faith just wont keep me.

No matter how hard I try to see the forest....
There's always this one damn tree.
That'll blocked my view for what seems like an eternity.

A wise person once told me
"You have to go through darkness to get to the light"
But i've been in the dark for so long,
Im convinced that there is no light.
But only a mere prisoner of our imagination.
A vessel of pure hope.

They say its not how you fall,
But how you get up.
But what if I'm too weak to get up?
I never stand completely on my feet it seems....
I scrape and struggle only to make it to just my knees.
 Just for the chance to cry out a soundless cry,
 yell out a silent please.
You can see the many times i've fallen just by counting the scars on my knees.

Im tired of climbing mountains just to lose the battles at the top.
But then again.......
What is life without obstacles?
Life itself is just one big lesson awaiting to be learned.
And the best lessons lay in between the twists and turns. ❤

In Memory Of......

Ain't y'all tired of saying RIP?
Or is it only me?
It's gotten to where I'm scared to wake up in the mornings.
As if I didn't already know what to expect.
Of course,
The loss of yet another soul.
The screaming mothers and weeping baby momma's
The sight of a soul-less body with twelve gun shot wounds makes me quiver.
The pain and suffering of life itself etched on his face.
His hand places upon his chest.
Guarding the heart that cost him his life.
It's sad..... The fact that i actually expect this sight.

I'm tired of going to church in the middle of the week just to sit in red pews
Dressed in all black.
Watching everybody within the church's walls reminisce on the memories of the happy times  of their loved ones.
Making them out to be saints.
Knowing damn well they're closer to an aint.
But you know,
No one dares to speak on that.
Keeping the skeletons locked in the closet because we're in the house of the Lord.
As if He can't see through the wooden door.

I'm tired of hearing the pastor preach the same sermon
About how yet another life was taken too soon.
Putting the same amount of money into the same golden collection plates.

I'm tired of hearing the choir sing the same sad ass songs about how he/she has gone on to a better place.
As if they knew the plans God had in store for the people that once were.
Sick of seeing a person...
Who last week,
Walked joyfully down the street,
Be placed six feet under.

Hope for better days mixed in with the residue of fear
I know that the only way I will no longer see the letters "R.I.P"
Is if they're printed above a picture of me.

"Friend"

We sometimes come across friends with different intentions.

A different motive.

It would be conducive to our hearts if we were able to place a friend up to the light,

Like money,

And see clearly which ones were fake and which ones were real.

You have to watch out for certain "friends" 

You know, the ones that cry in your name...

But their tears take no form.

The ones that smile in your face,

But place daggers in your back.

Those same friends that you pledge your loyalty to,

Will be the same friends to laugh hysterically at your pain. 

Where are the people who honestly know what friendship is all about?

The people who will jump in front of a bullet for you.

Who would take time out of their day

Just to come see about you

Back in the day,

Loyalty, respect, and honesty was everything.

Now, you rarely see any of the three.

Everyone is so wrapped up in their own drama, sorrows, and insecurities. 

Evil wears the face of the innocent.

Luring you into a world of false friendship. 

The same people that watched you build yourself up.

All of the blood, sweat, and tears

Will be the same people who will single-handedly try to tear you down. 

Aiming to leave you wilted and deserted. 

In a world like this... 

Its not easy to find a good person with an ear to listen,

A mouth to advise,

Or a heart to truly care. 

Subtracting the frauds from the liars

The thieves from the crazies.

Finding a person who honestly has your best interest at heart is getting harder and harder by the day. 

If only people were like money. 

So we could hold them up to the light,

To see who was real and who was fake. 

Honey Bee

He whispers things in my ear
That no man had ever said
He wrapped me in a sheet lined with passion
His touch made me second guess myself
My mind believes a love like this can't be real
But now my soul is falling into a deep ecstasy
Trying to avoid love drastically
Because in the past,
Love has cost me my pieces of my soul.
Caused me to lose myself.
Finally,
After gaining the strength required to snatch my soul away from satan
In the most of my trials, fear, and bitterness
Stands a man.
A man who holds me when I need him to
As if he truly love me.
But how do I know this isn't the devil in disguise?
How could I be sure that that pecan brown skin and bright smile isn't a fascade?
Those same green eyes that look so good to me
Could possibly be the ones that will hold my soul in captivity.
How do I know that you are these you claim to be?
Even though my heads spins when I smell your scent
And my knees buckle when you hold my waist
I fell in love accidentally
Running away from the possibility of pain
I never got the memo
Somebody should have told me
That there was a such thing
As a love as sweet as honey.

Untitled

Waiting hours upon hours
Watching the days slowly go by
Searching for the sun that might not shine
Praying to God who might not answer me
Or just simply doesn't have the time.
Maybe I'm too far gone
Maybe I've wandered away to a place unknown.
I've realized that i've been searching for a specific thing for so long
That I've managed to lose myself in the process
Piece by piece I began to fade
A shamed to ask for help
Too weak to get on my knees and pray.
Afraid that mine will go unanswered
All I can do is hope that someone can squeeze me in to theirs.
Only able to imagine better days
As I sit alone with my tears and fears.
Wondering why my pleads never seem to reach God's ears.
Sulking in my weak flesh,
Not realizing my spirit stands strong.
When my soul sings a blue song
I know who to call on
But will my cry be silenced by my many sins,
Because i seem to fall short time and time again.
I hope He will look past every one of them.
After all,
He is a forgiving God.
And I believe it.
Take away the clouds of pain, grief, and abuse
So me and the golden rays of sunlight can be re-inteoduced.

Poetry

I want so badly
To jump on you
And hug you tight
That you hear the beat of my heart
But that will never happen
Because God called His child home.

Sometimes I think to myself
Why would He allow me to get close to you
Only to snatch you away from me?
My feelings don't matter I see,
So I'm carrying this burden with me unintentionally
But the pain is slowly killing me mentally, emotionally, and now physically
An its not that I hate God or nothing
Because I love him unconditionally
But I just want to know why...
Why'd He have to take you from me?

No one understands what I'm going through
They don't know what it feels like to live life without you
And even if I began to tell them,
They still wouldn't have a clue
As to why I walk around with my face so blue
And its only because tears take form in my soul
Due to the absence of you.
People say that nothing lasts forever
And this is true
Because memories slowly fade away too
Unlike your flesh
Which left me before i could catch my next breath

And honestly,
I can't sleep at night
Because all I can think about is you
And I can't eat
Because then i try to remember all of your favorite foods
Even when i sing a song,
My spirit always ends up singing a song that you use to sing along too.

And i know its been a long time
But no matter how hard i try
I just can't pluck you out of my mind
And I'm trying not to sound insane
But my emotions are something that i just can't seem to tame.

Losing you showed me that life is short
And forever ends sooner than you think.
At sixteen even mine
And i feel like i'm rapidly running out of time
So i attempted to count my blessings
But i stopped at 999
But i had to take back the one with your name on the dotted line
Because 10 years ago
You ended up dying
And i ended up crying
And i know that i could never forget you
But for some reason,
I  just keep trying
And i try to fake the feeling of happiness
Which is basically the same thing as lying.

They say all wounds heal over time
But it's been ten years
And the wound is still open wide
Maybe it will close..... Hopefully.
It doesn't bleed blood
It bleeds words
Which is why i just carved my emotions in between these lines
And simply titled it  poetry.