Six months of rubbing my stomach,
Feeling her kick.
Gaining a bound with the tiny human inside of me.
I set out to bring a life into this world.
But I came home with no baby.
God received a new angel that day.
With her beautiful brown, baby soft skin and tiny brown eyes.
As they took her out of my arms, I saw her gracefully flutter up to the sky that day. Like a precious, innocent butterfly.
I couldn't help but cry...
At the thought of no baby in the pink nursery next door.
No midnight feedings and no cries at the break of dawn.
I feel like......
I don't feel nothing.
I don't know exactly how to feel.
I would sit down and cry hours upon hours.
Imagining her entire hand wrapped around my one finger. I even imagined what the sound of her cry would have sounded like.
Why did God plan for me to suffer and bend over in pain like this?
Long walks and awkward silences filled my life since that day.
I'm not my happy, positive self that I once was.
People reassure me that it could be worse.
But I know for sure that I'm living in the land of "worse" with walls painted black and the blood of my soul upon the floor.
My heart is hurt.
My spirit is in distress.
But God received an angel that day.
I've cried out upon that name so many times.
I even wrote Him a couple of letters allowing my emotions to navigate my pen.
But He never seems to have the time to answer my questions.
Stop my tears and silence my weeps.
When He called her to the other side, He took more than half of me.
So now I'm here.
With my formless tears and undeniable fears all wrapped up in a blanket snuggling against my chest.
Occasionally pinching myself..
Hoping its all just a dream.
But the more people send their condolences and red roses with "Keeping you in my prayers" messages the reality sinks in.
It eases the pain just a little to look at it like She didn't belong on Earth.
She was much too pure for this sinful world.
So she was called by the Almighty.
God received an angel that day.
He pried my hands open and lifted her out of my motherly grasp.
As if my pain didn't matter.
I had no right.
I pray that God gives me His eyes
And Hopefully one day I'll see the light.
The reason for my misery.
And understand my struggles
In its entirety.